Sexual Inhibitions

Derailed Our Marriage


We have received numerous letters like this from ex-wives and ex-husbands.

" He said that sex had become the spice in their relationship, their mode of play."

Condensed from an e-mail letter.

Dear Doctors,

         I am another one of those white wives who lost her husband to a "young, hot, Asian girl."

But in thinking back on it with what I know now, I realize that I was largely to blame.

My husband and I cared for each other; we liked each other; we were attracted to each other; we respected each other -- but when it came to the bedroom our inhibitions ruled.

In our whole marriage we never had oral sex and I never initiated sex.

Sex soon became tedious for me -- not worth the effort -- and then it stopped altogether.

Without that "glue," things eventually came apart, especially when my husband found out this was not the way things had to be in a marriage.

Eventually, we divorced.

         Sometime later I ran into my ex. He's now married to a young Asian girl and they have two kids (my husband and I never had kids). He said they have sex almost every day.

Not long after learning about that -- and possibly in reaction to it -- I met a bright, light-skinned African American at a party and left with him.

He gave me my first oral sex. I gave him my first blow job. He wasn't inhibited like my husband and he got me (okay, pushed me) to try new things.

 I blame our being just too backward and inhibited about sex during our marriage. That is the big advantage these Asian girls* have. They are very comfortable with sex.  I'm reminded of that book, The Joy of Sex. I guess they know what that's all about.

         For some reason it's more difficult for us [white people]. My husband told me he is still a little uptight about sex but sex is natural for his new wife.

She's not ashamed of her sexual needs, so she just kind of teases him into it.

I couldn't believe how much he had changed. For some reason my ex and I found it easier to talk about all this now. 

He said that with his new wife sex has become the spice in their relationship, their uninhibited play.

 I guess in telling me all this he was trying to send a message without hurting my feelings (too much).

 I just thought I would share my observations with you. I'm still not completely comfortable with sex -- at least, I guess, not I guess like his new wife is, but I am not as inhibited as I used to be.

And, yes, I'm a little jealous of her, especially since she turned my ex-husband around with sex.

           You and your marriage appear to be another victim of our culture's deeply imbedded anti-sex views -- views that can become evident when viewed from the perspective of some other cultures.

Unlike your case, we regularly get angry letters from American ex-wives that put all the blame on Asian women (although they often use other terms for "women"), while simply seeing their own sexual attitudes as "right" and above any need for change. 

" A major goal of this site is to introduce new ways of thinking about sex."

         The letters on this site notwithstanding, marriage is not all about sex. It should be all about enhancing love.

* Not all Asian girls or women should be lumped together. Many, especially where the culture is dominated by Catholic views, have quite conservative views.