Dr. West

Hotwife Behaviors 


How He Wants

 Her to Appear



all illustrations are not yet in place

Based on e-mail feedback.

A delicate balance of factors is needed in order for hotwives to maintain their husbands' approval and support

She does not want her freedom curtailed,  nor does she want some crisis to develop in the marriage because of it.

First and foremost, she must be sensitive to her husband's feelings.

 In some cases this may mean that she lets him believe he's in charge of what she does, on other cases she may flaunt her lovers and their abilities as a way of belittling him. Since the latter opens up significant psychological issues, we will not deal with it on this site. Nor will we deal with homosexual, lesbian, or underage porn.

If the rules for an open marriage are followed, major problems can be averted.

However, based on our email, there are subtle things, especially in the way the hotwife presents herself, that often take precedence. Husbands will probably help, since it reflects on him if she's rejected by men.

Based on reader feedback, let's look as some do's and don'ts for a hotwife looking for a rendezvous.

Even though this is largely about sex, most men don't like brash, lewd talk. In other words, they want their hotwife to appear as "a lady" -- albeit a subtly flirtatious lady. 

 Here, we are talking about a "polite society suburbia rendezvous" and not behaviors associated with swingers.

Most men looking to hookup prefer a sexually reserved woman (whether she actually is or not) and they can be scared off with a woman who is sexually bold or aggressive. Prostitutes who frequent high-class establishments find they can interest more men if they come across as somewhat shy and quiet, but "easy" and interested.  

This woman will make direct and slightly lingering eye contact with men that interest her.  There may be a quiet smile, and not the fleeting, hollow smile that we so often see at social events. It should be the kind of smile that men take note of.

She will not dress like a fashion model with overdone make-up and overdone hair, but simple and approachable, with a titillating tinge.

In the right setting her husband might like to see her dress provocatively so that men definitely notice her among the other women.

Under the right conditions she will not wear a bra and/or will show bold cleavage and not seem self-conscious about it. Nor will she be self-conscious if men's eyes linger on he -- after all, that's what she's after..

Once she gets a man interested, her husband (if he's even there) can fade into the background completely out of sight -- although he may like to watch how things develop from a distance.

She should be subtly affectionate to her new man, holding his arm and letting her body touch his. If there is a party with slow dancing, she should press against him -- especially in the stomach and groin areas. Conversation may require talking softly in his ear.

She should let him take the lead as things progress, but not let him move things along too rapidly.. A man who jumps right into sex-talk should be avoided; a semblance of a relationship should be developed.

Men are leery of women who boldly and openly take the lead in sex. Unless she's a "pro," which we are not talking about here, the pursuer and the pursued should not be reversed. She could come across as interested, willing, slightly horny, but reserved.

She may wear a gold chain on her right ankle to signify she's a hotwife. Even so, a conquest too easily won by men is not valued.

Once he's interested and he feels "she will," the stage is set; it's simply a matter of her letting him lead and her and not saying "no." 

If she's wearing her wedding ring and he inquires about it, she can say, "He has his affairs and I have mine" or even, "It turns him on for me to spend time with men."

Men are often insecure about their sexual performances  Even though it's her first time with him, she should make it seem as if she's really into it.

Unless it's a sexual disaster, she should let him know that she would like to see him again. She should ask his permission before putting his cell number in her phone.

If it's less than a stellar performance on his part, she should gloss over it.  Men are often uneasy twith a new women -- but after that things can be different.

Even if it is a disaster (he can't get it up) she should treat it like it's no big deal, maybe saying, "That often happens with men; don't worry about it." (And, by the way, it's not her fault unless she came on too strong causing him to shrink back.)

If the encounter is pleasant and she wants to see him again, she should make it clear that she'll be available -- without making him promise to call.

If he doesn't call. She shouldn't take it as rejection. While holding to the security of her marriage, she can simply move on.

Once the encounter is over, she should tell her husband whatever he wants to know. Some husbands want to know the details. If so, while protecting his feelings and ego, she should provide them.

She shouldn't be surprised if her husband  wants to talk about it while they are having sex. Although she may find this difficult to understand, for many husbands hearing the details of how she made it with another man (or how another man made it with her) is a turn-on.

This may be part of the "price" she pays for being able to continue as a hotwife. At the same time she might like to relate -- even revel in the description of -- how a man was "hot for her."

With most cuckold-type husbands she will want to emphasize the sex and not the romance (although the importance of the two may be reversed in her mind).

He may also want to know that she's wiling to make herself available to him again. Most women don't fully get into things the first time, so she may want to give herself a few sessions to get comfortable with a new partner.

If her new partner starts making demands she's uncomfortable with, she should immediately break off the relationship and not let it drag on (which can introduce many problems).  One of the advantages of being a hotwife is that she should have other opportunities. 

Although some women can easily have an ongoing sexual relationship with a man outside of marriage, many women automatically pair sex with love and emotional involvement.  This can destroy the marriage which she has vowed to protect. (Incidentally, for reasons explained here marriages to "the third party" seldom work out.)

If the outside relationship is not a threat to the marriage, a husband (for reasons covered in various letters on this site) may want his wife to continue to make herself available to him.

Having his wife provide a man of men with sex (and seeing her as a quasi call girl or prostitute) may be a turn-on for him.

Not unrelated, she should learn what turns him on (and off) hearing about. There can't be any rules about this, because what turns on some women turns off others. Go with what works.

She wants her husband to keep encouraging this outside relationship because of the vicarious types of  excitement it provides him. At the same time she should maintain behind-the-scenes control and never "lose herself" in it.

This can be difficult for many women because they have been brought up to believe that sex connotes commitment. This is why having more than one extra-marital sexual partner is preferable to having just one.

The heat of sex can prompt irrational and half-baked thoughts and desires.

 If a sexual partner starts to talk of "running away together," as desirable as that may seem in the moment, " it's a red flag that things are going too far. It's time to break off the sexual relationship before bad things ensue, which they almost always do.

Part of the excitement of this is that you are playing with fire, but always remember that you are playing with fire and if you are not very careful that can have undesirable consequences. 

The hotwife's husband should never -- as in never, ever -- be allowed to feel that he is losing her to another man. She may spend time with another man and have frequent sex with him, but she belongs to her husband and the marriage.

From her perspective she knows that sexual partners that are good in bed "don't grow on trees," so she may want to make a special effort to keep a sexually compatible outside partner happy.

This will probably involve being available for sex when he wants it. If she keeps him satisfied, he may not be motivated to add another partner to his stable, with the problems that can bring into the equation. Plus, new relationships can be problematical, and most men like "a sure thing."

And then there is this:

Some wives like the feeling of breaking free from their restrictive pasts and becoming a bit slutty. The fact that she doesn't have to risk her marriage to meet a man in a motel, as many women do, is the icing on the cake.

Her main job is to stay in control of things.

To Home Page Index    Legal information