Affairs --

46 Motivations 


" It is secret love that is the strongest. It is forbidden fruit that is the sweetest.

In that sense maybe we can thank Christianity for making sex harder; in so doing it has made it more intense."

Cristina Nehring -- The Nation


Many of the following motivations overlap and may be present at the same time.

1. a need to gain personal professional advantages in the workplace  More than 50% of married and single women in one survey said they had dated or slept with a boss or a client.

2.  the excitement in tasting "forbidden fruit"

3. the need of a woman or wife to "get back" at a spouse for his affair by having one of her own This is very high on the list of reasons women have affairs.

4. encountering the "right" time, person, place or circumstance This is often mixed with alcohol.

5. the need of a woman to experience the intimacy and closeness that is gone from her marriage  Women often complain that their husbands no longer seem to find them sexually desirable. This is related to the fact that for a number of reasons the male libido in the U.S. has been steadily dropping.

6. the desire to break free of a boring lifestyle or marriage through introducing sexual excitement  Sex, especially extramarital sex, is a powerful diversion.

7. letting another man experience his wife  This is related to the hotwife motivation.

8. the need to meet voyeuristic and exhibitionistic desires Some men like to see their wives strip before other men, as in strip poker, especially if they are proud of their wives' bodies; and many women who are proud of their bodies like the excitement and taboo nature of having others see them nude.

From here things can progress to sexual games and other levels of sexual experience discussed on this site.

9. the need of an older man to keep his (sometimes much younger) wife sexually active and satisfied

When an older man marries a young woman, the relationship may in part be held together by financial considerations and his sexual abilities may have diminished or even disappeared.

A purely physical (and controlled) relationship may mean that she will be sexually satisfied and less apt to stray into a more threatening relationship.

10. the need of the wife to break free of the strong male-centered, anti-sex background typical of Judeo/Christian cultures This is seen by some women as a form of sexual liberation.

>> In the U.S., if a man owns an airplane, his chances of having an affair with a married woman are greater than 70%. (The Week, April, 2007) pilot affairs

11. the desire of a wife to live out a prostitute fantasy  This fantasy (in controlled forms) is not uncommon among women. It may not be motivated by financial remuneration but by the need for excitement and risk. Sometimes it's a husband's idea.

12. a need of a husband to open the door to a controlled affair so that he may control the conditions surrounding this wife's interest in an extramarital tryst

A husband may recognize a "wandering" tendency in his wife and decide to provide a controlled structure what will not threaten the relationship.

13. the need to experience or act out voyeuristic or latent male homosexual feelings (within the context of a heterosexual experience) by visualizing or actually watching a man penetrate his wife, and/or watching her giving a man oral sex  Many home pornos are motivated by a husband wanting to watch his wife with other men.

14. a desire to allow a wife to experience something she wants to do She may be allowed to go on an exotic trip with a man or attend some special event where he knows she will be confronted with sexual opportunity.

15. a desire by a husband to break his wife out of "boring, plain vanilla" sex 

Married people are much more apt to try new things with a different sexual partner, and these experiences are often brought back into the marriage.

At the same time, marriages dissolve when a partner refuses to try anything new in sex -- especially when that partner meets someone who will.

16. the desire of a husband to prove or demonstrate the sexual prowess and desirability of his wife to other men

17. a desire of a husband to see his wife become a hotwife  Although she's committed to the marriage, he may allow or encourage her to have sex with other men. There are many motivations for this discussed on this site.

18. a need to compensate for not being able to keep up with a wife's sexual needs 

It has been documented that a growing number of men suffer from a diminished libido and impaired sexual abilities. (The ED drugs do not help with libido issues, or a basic desire for sex.)

Some husbands escape the onus of this by turning this "responsibility" over to another man. This diminishes his guilt over not satisfying her and quells her complaints about missing sex.

19. the need to make his wife subservient to his or other men's wishes

Having his wife "submit" to men demonstrates maximum control over her -- shades of the male "pimp personality." The wife may also be meeting a psychological need for subservience.

20. the need of a husband to vicariously have sexual experiences through his wife An attractive, willing wife will have sexual opportunities that he is unwilling or unable to have. (Numbering continues below.)

This graph approximates the number of affairs over the years among urban men and women in the United States. The spikes in this graph coincide with war years. Note that in recent years the number of male and female affairs are now about even.

21. the need on the part of the wife to act on a distorted self-concept  

Women whose self-concept was damaged or misdirected early in life may have an unconscious need to verify these beliefs through sex -- even promiscuity. This may result from sexual molestation.

22. the wife's need to spend intimate time with a man she's attracted to, even when she knows no future with that person is possible

23. the need of a husband to have his wife experience black-on-white sex

Black-on-white sex is reportedly the most popular porno category.  Elsewhere on this site we've outlined reasons that some white wives and husbands want this.

24. the desire of a wife to boast about sex with a "well-hung, black stud (black bull)" 

This is involved in female bragging rights in some groups, especially if she feels that she's perceived as a bit "over the hill" or sexually inhibited. Some white women feel that once they have had sex with a black man they have proven their sexual liberation

When it comes to views on affairs the United States is the most conservative among the three major countries.

25. the need of a woman to gain power over another man by seducing him and thereafter threatening to expose the affair, especially if that man is married and in a sensitive or conservative work environment

26. the need of a dominant wife to humiliate her husband by flaunting her affairs in front of him It can also be a motivation of the cuckold husband to experience humiliation.

27. a desire of a husband to push a wife into an affair to justify or open the door to his own affair  Strangely, this provides a bit of "insurance" for the marriage, as in, "What gives you the right to get upset with me when you did the same thing?"

28. the desire by a woman to try to break up the marriage by seducing a desirable husband

Once an affair is discovered, divorce can follow. The stereotypical situation is the younger woman going after the well-to-do older man.

29. the desire of "Don Juan" personalities (men and women) to seduce someone to reaffirm their desirability, or just for the "victory" of being able to do it

30. to establish bragging rights

Both men and women are known to brag about affairs  to "prove" themselves with the "in crowd." For some women this may demonstrate "sexual liberation." In some cultures maintaining a mistress is a status symbol.

31. the need to act out sexual fantasies that are not acceptable to a spouse Bondage and submission are examples.

32. the need of married or unmarried woman to have a child

In the case of a married woman, for any number of reasons her husband may not be able to make her pregnant.

Rather than go through the problems and medical expense involved in finding a sperm donor and artificial insemination, the couple may just decide on a suitable man for an affair.

33. the need of a husband to keep his wife sexually active because of the health and beauty benefits  Women who are into extramarital dating tend to pay much more attention to their looks.

34. a desire by a husband prove his confidence in the relationship by allowing or even encouraging his wife to have an affair ("Our relationship is based on love and does not require sexual exclusivity.")

35. the "seven-year itch"  Without claiming any scientific validity to this saying, we must acknowledge that some bodily processes are on a seven-year cycle.

36. the desire of a husband or wife to allow a mate to experience new sexual excitement  "I know that having sex with others would provide you with excitement and pleasure, and I am able to surmount personal feelings of possessiveness or jealously and let you have that opportunity."

37. The excitement of new sexual experiences  A husband or wife -- especially those who have only known one sex partner -- may want to experience sex with a different partner.

38. To experience "getting away with it"  One wife who was carrying on an affair with a neighbor said, "...It was the excitement of getting away with it right under everyone's noses." Another woman said, "Who would have thought this conservative little housewife was meeting men in motels?"

39. Many men savor competition leading to personal victory, and once the competition for the women he married is over, he may miss it.

A letter from one man says it best: "Once guys knew 'she would,' I was competing for her again, both in the bedroom and out.  I don't have to tell you how much she's loving that part!"

40. Acting on hotwife and cuckold husband fantasies As this site developed, it was decided that a responsible source of information on this subject was needed.

41. There is the pleasure that comes from a husband watching his wife enjoy sex with another man, and watching that man enjoy sex with his wife.

Some men have reported that watching their wives enjoy sex with someone else, including building to a climax, is more enjoyable than having sex with her themselves.

42. Proving Sexual Compatibility before marriage

Dating used to proceed sex, but now in many cases it's the other way around, and marriage or serious dating doesn't come until after the couple has proven to be sexually compatible.

43. Husbands encouraging or allowing their wives to become subservient to the sexual desires of select men.

The best-selling 2011 erotic romance novel, 50 Shades of Grey, (plus the movies and  books this trilogy inspired) brought the controversial topic of female subservience and male dominance into the mainstream. In some marriages sexual subservience can be desirable to both husbands and their wives.

44. The desire of people to sexually experience someone different After having sex with the same person for a long time, one or both partners wonder what sex would be like with someone different.

45. a need to escape loneliness Single people may occasionally or even regularly make themselves available to a married woman or man just to escape loneliness.

46. as an extension of shades of grey or a prostitute/pimp fantasy (see #43 above), a husband may put his wife or girlfriend with a trusted alpha male for a night so she can experience or bring out her latent sexual submissiveness

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