Dr. WestIn depth discussion:


Hotwife, MILF,

Coyote, Black-on-White

Sex Phenomena


" The hotwife enjoys sexual variety while being able to hold onto the security of her primary relationship."

MILF* relates to attractive, older, sexually experienced women."


    Even though data varies greatly on affairs, to understand the hotwife, MILF and cougar phenomenon we need to start with the chart below. sexual affairs

One major caveat: This chart is based on urban, working men and women and is undoubtedly skewed toward liberal respondents.

We know that during war years when the husband was away resulted in the spikes you see in the figures for both men and women.

With men stationed in foreign counties (prior to the Iraq and Afghanistan wars) this has been reliably measured at 85% for men.

Note that the number of affairs among married women has been steadily increasing. In some cases this is with the encouragement of the male partners involved.

In one recent case the husband encouraged his wife to spend the weekend with a male co-worker.  His own interested in sex had waned over the years while his wife's was as strong as ever.  It was becoming a bit of chore for him to sexually satisfy her, which means he often didn't. Plus, he didn't see this younger man as a threat to the marriage.

Young men may prefer older women because, while being less sexually inhibited, often they don't represent the emotional entanglements or demands that younger women can.

According to one man, "There are not 'will-she-or-won't-she' games and disappointments. They know what they are after, plus, I like a sure thing."

Here is additional information on the percentage of affairs.

The growing percentage of women having affairs is primarily due to an increasing percentage of women in the work force -- especially in office environments where men and women work closely together for long hours.

In many parts of our society a single woman who "discretely sleeps around a bit" is no longer branded promiscuous, but normal.

While that may not be a surprise for single women, the growing number of married women with lovers on the side -- even with their husband's permission -- may be.

Enter hotwives.

What Has Spurred the

Hotwife Phenomenon?

        Having a hotwife signifies to both the wife and her husband that, although older, she is still sexually desirable and sought-after.

As one woman put it, "Just because I'm older, married, and a mother, doesn't mean I occasionally don't want to play the role of a whore."

The male fantasy of having a hotwife can start after a few years of marriage and thereafter intensify. Some say the reasons can be traced back thousands of years.

" While the husband's and the wife's motivations in the cuckold husband-hotwife relationship might be quite different, they share a common goal."


According to one cuckold husband, "Maybe it's perverse, but I like to picture guys banging my wife and her getting off on it." 

The Wife's Motivation

 Recent research shows that, although repressed, women have a biological propensity for having sex with multiple partners, just as men do.

In fact, there is archeological evidence suggesting that women had to be promiscuous during very early times for her and her children to survive.

When you strip away the cultural and religious suppression of the female sex drive, it appears that, once aroused and given license, the sex drive in women can be just as strong as it is in men.

The extent of this repression is discussed in Sexual Empowerment for Women.

Some women used to brag about how they could avoid marital sex, but, such women are now suspected as being man-haters, latent lesbians, or simply having personal problems.

Professional stress typically lowers the male libido (interest in sex). 

Rather than have their wife do without something she enjoys (and possibly even needs), some (very secure) husbands encourage their wives to have for-sex-only liaisons with select men.

Although we would assume that in our somewhat chauvinistic society men would jealously forbid "their women" from having have sexual relations with anyone but them, in the hotwife phenomena men are turned on by sharing their wives. The "rules" for this are varied and are covered elsewhere in this chapter.

Many women find excitement in being viewed as sexually liberated. For some, especially some older women, there may be a certain ego gratification in still being viewed as sexually desirable, even discretely promiscuous.

While holding to the security of her primary relationship, the hotwife may revel in experiencing sexual freedom.

        In historical studies it has been found that adventurous, free-loving women have been both more appealing to men and more socially powerful than women that were "only" beautiful and virtuous.

For her highly praised book, Seductress: Women Who Have Ravished the World and Their Lost Art of Love, Betsy Prioleau, researched the most influential women throughout the ages.

These women were seldom bound by marital fidelity, making them not unlike some of the most notable and influential men throughout the ages.

According to Prioleau, women need to awaken their suppressed sexuality, learn to experience multiple organisms, and reap the glow and excitement that comes from sexual experiences.

Many women are reluctant to try new things in their marriages, but these barriers often fall with the expectations of new sexual partners.

According to one husband:

She was never interested in oral sex, but when she started going out with men, she soon found out it was expected. She got used to it, and very soon she was regularly giving me oral sex.

As a hotwife she knows she will be introduced to new experiences and pleasures -- not to mention the "wining and dining" by men that comes with it.

Even though she may have started to have doubts about her sexual desirability, as a hotwife or MILF, she will probably find that men are again interested in her.

       For some women this constitutes a "sexual reawakening."

According to one woman,

"As a hotwife I've found a sense of freedom in enjoying the company of men and not being paranoid about a jealous husband.

"If I want to go out with an interesting guy and if he wants to take me to bed, I have the freedom to just let it happen. Some of the best sex I've ever had started this way."

At the same time, the hotwife does not want jealousy or resentment to ruin her marriage or the freedom she knows that few husbands are willing to grant.

Therefore, she knows she needs to be careful in being totally open and honest with her husband about her lovers. This means that there are no secret conversations or secret meetings with men.

It also means that she will have to constantly monitor her husband's feelings about what she is doing. It may mean that in some cases the husband may want to approve or disapprove of the men she goes out with.

 In some circles a woman may wear a gold ankle chain on her right ankle to tell men "in the know" that she's a hotwife."

Once seen as a hotwife, she may flirt with select men, making it clear that, although married, she has sexual freedom.

According to one hotwife, "I'm no knockout--never have been--but since a lot of guys like 'a sure thing,' I end up enjoying some great sex."

" Many couples feel that their particular jobs and lifestyles are pretty dull and routine, and to compensate they may search for a strong diversion.

For most people sexual diversions have great power."


Black-on-White Sex

You might have noticed that the internet is full of black-on-white (white woman, black man) porn pictures.

It's one of the major draws for porn.

Although some white women find this incomprehensible, it is nonetheless a real and growing phenomena, even in the South.

We can see the rapid shift in attitudes in the graph below.

Even though mixed marriages were once illegal in parts of the United States, most people now accept them.

In some schools mixed-race dating (white girls, black boyfriends) is an "in thing."

Mixed race children are also becoming accepted -- so much so that some white husbands with fertility problems have taken a direct route in "breeding" their wives with virile black men, and sometimes claiming that the resulting child was adopted. 

Black-white sex from a woman's perspective is told in this revealing two-part case history.

The Hotwife Motivation

Husbands have many motivations for encouraging their wives to be hotwives.

First, there is the possibility that the husband may suspect that his wife is becoming interested in sex outside of the marriage.

 An affair can result in a divorce, with all the negative consequences for everyone concerned.

In some cases the husband may either not be able to keep up with his wife's sexual needs, or because of age or medications, may no longer be able to "perform" to her satisfaction -- or at all. 

It is important to note that the hotwife's cuckold husband wants his wife's sexual encounters with men to be for sex only, with no marriage-threatening emotional involvement.


"Keeping up with my wife's sexual needs was getting more and more difficult  -- even a bit of a chore.

I bought her a gold ankle chain.  At first she wasn't sure what it signified, except she noticed that some men started pursuing her as a MILF. I encouraged her to go out with them. Sex quickly followed.

" ...Before long she got used to  getting it from selected men. ...So now she's happy, they are happy, and I'm sort of off the hook." 

       The fact that his wife will readily let men take her to bed while still being firmly committed to her primary relationship may make her more exciting. 

Most cuckold husbands want their wives to appear ladylike on the surface (in public), but, among select men, be known as easy to get into bed.

See this file on how the husband wants her to appear to others.

Although this type of wife was once considered a threat to husbands, and it still is to the majority, these husbands believe that a healthy and well-adjusted woman should enjoy sex. Regular sex has both physical and psychological benefits for a woman.

The cuckold husband may pride himself in being secure enough to handle a hotwife.

He may even brag to another man that his wife enjoys sex with different men.

" When we first started considering this option, we had a lot of fears: we feared what people would think, we feared how it would affect our relationship, we feared STD, we feared unexpected emotional involvement. 

"But, once we agreed on the rules and plunged in, and after a few very rocky episodes, we were eventually able to handle things. Now we see a lot of  benefits...."

-a letter from hotwife couple


     The hotwife may realize that her sexual freedom depends on her husband's continued approval.

She may know that a good bit of what she tells him supports his hotwife fantasies.  If she is smart, she will cater to these, keeping in mind that what she is doing is sometimes as much for his benefit as hers.

The dynamics of a hotwife-cuckold husband relationship can represent a delicate balancing act for a hotwife. This is covered in more detail here.

The Hotwife - Cuckold

Husband Marriage

 Although many people question the stability of the hotwife-cuckold marriage, the two often share a genuine love for each other.

The couple may find that the true basis for their marriage is (or at least should be) love, and not a "contractual obligation" for sexual exclusivity.

The cuckold husband is typically not interested in having sex with other women. (This would constitute swinging, which is very different.)

He seems to be satisfied with vicariously experiencing his wife's sexual experiences.

According to one hotwife, "I love my husband, but I don't think I should be locked out of experiencing something different for the rest of my life.

Later in the same letter she said, "Sure, it's gotten around that while married I 'put out,' but, frankly, I like the gratification of still being able to turn on and satisfy men."

..."Some women say behind my back that I'm a whore, but chances are they've let themselves go, have dead battery husbands, and are now stuck with only experiencing romance through romance novels."

For Those Considering This Lifestyle

 Clearly, the hotwife idea is at odds with cultural conditioning and the established norms of jealousy and possessiveness. Although these traits may not be desirable, they are the norm and must be recognized.

Even so, many people we've heard from have learned to master these things as shown in many of our letters, including "The Long Trip Home."


The vast majority of men and women have a need to see a partner as exclusively theirs.

You must remember that it was not all that long ago that a wife was considered the property of the husband and even the rape of a wife was more of an affront to him and his family than it was to her.

Some religions and autocratic groups still use sex as a way of controlling people. Except for some right-wing religious and political cults, we have largely abandoned such views.

Maybe society will evolve to the point where individuals are secure enough in themselves not to be threatened by open relationships, however, for the vast majority of people, that time is not now.

        Even assuming that both partners are okay with going in this direction, much of society isn't.

With many people there is still a sigma associated with a promiscuous wife and a husband that allows his wife to have extramarital sex. Most people who find out about this will respond negatively toward both partners.

This can be a problem in a work environment where "character" is a part of job performance and promotion considerations.

A common male chauvinistic attitude dictates that a husband should keep his wife "under control," and if she has affairs she definitely isn't "under control."

Although the following may be a bit defensive, here are the words of one cuckold husband:

" Sure, there are Neanderthals that think of her as a slut, but that's their problem. 

At least she is not like the prissy, tight-assed, not-tonight women that many husbands suffer with."


        Given the social-sexual changes we now see, it seems inevitable that somewhere down the road society will be ready to accept open relationships and hotwives. Some progressive countries and sub-groups have already.

  • * MILF stands for some variation of Mother I would Like to Fuck, a term that typically applies to older, attractive, sexually experienced women that understand what men want. Younger men may be attracted to them because they can represent "a sure thing" sex without strings attached.

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