"Dead Battery"


  Sexual Fantasies

By Dr. Ronny West

"Dead Battery" Husbands       

        Two years ago a female client came to my office complaining that her husband had lost interest in sex, and by extension her -- an all too common complaint.

She said, "I wouldn't mind that so much but now he seems to be taking an undue interest in other women other women."

From the beginning, I could see that sex was an uncomfortable subject with this woman. Since sex was central to her concern, I felt it was important to pursue it.

After going through some preliminary discussions, I asked her if she knew what turned on her husband. Although they had been married 12 years, she didn't seem to know. I then asked the same question in a different way with the same result.

Finally, she revealed that once he had admitted he had thought about seeing her have sex with another man. She quickly added that she couldn't understand why her husband would even be thinking about such a thing. She told him, "That's sick. What do you think I am, a whore!?"

I said, hoping that she would get the hint, "So, I guess that shut him down."

"Well for sure he never brought it up again!" She seemed pleased with herself.

"So, I guess that shut him down," I repeated.

"Well, I wasn't going to talk about anything like that!"

        I asked her if she ever fantasized about sex with someone else. I noted that the question made her uncomfortable and she immediately glanced at her watch. After more prodding she finally said, "Well, why not, my husband is no longer interested."

"Have you ever discussed this fantasy with your husband?"

"That wouldn't be right;  things like that should be kept private."

"Our conversations here are private."

She thought about it. "I see what you are getting at but I don't want to get into discussions like that."

        Seeing that this was going nowhere and our time was running out, I turned to my bookcase and found a book on female sexuality by a woman author. In my profession I regularly get these books sent to me with the hope of recommending them. I figured that if she read the book, it might save a month of so of sessions.

She flipped through the book. "This is for women. He's the one with the problem."

"Maybe you could talk to him about some of the things in the book."

She put the book back on the desk. "It won't fit in my purse."

"Why is that an issue?"

"Someone I know might see it and get the wrong idea." She subsequently broke off further sessions.

        What's unfortunate is that the problem probably could have been addressed and possibly even solved by some simple, honest communication between the two of them. Instead, her condemning comment, "That's sick!," probably pushed that likelihood further off the marital radar.

In this day of internet-based hookups, if he discovers a woman that is more open about these issues, she may easily join the thousands of divorced women in the United States who are alone and bitter, and can't understand why their husbands decided to leave "without warning."

Over the years I've seen far too many of these women, and contrary to popular belief, the other woman is almost never a young blond secretary. They are often very ordinary looking women who understand men's needs and are willing to address them.

The "Threat" of Sex

        In investigating the reasons behind sexual problems, two major factors emerge. First, there are the religious anti-sex, sex-is-sin views that still wield considerable (and often unconscious) influence.

For decades the Catholic church in particular with its millions of members has tried to dictate sexual behavior.

        At one point, even sleeping with your spouse without nightclothes was on the long list of forbidden activities.

Of course, history shows when institutions try to forbid something as basic as the human sex drive, they end up creating more problems than they solve, both socially and psychologically.

Rather than recognizing its role in the problem (not to mention recognizing the realities of today's society), many religions groups try to solve the problem through even more vigorous guilt-centered, sex-is-sin teaching.

At the same time, sexual suppression has made sex, especially "unsanctioned sex," more exciting and attractive for those who defy convention and engage in sex outside of traditional norms.

One married woman who was having an affair with another woman's husband said, "It's not the sex as much as the excitement of doing it right under everyone's noses."

It is secret love that is the strongest.

It is forbidden fruit that is the sweetest.

In that sense maybe we can thank Christianity for making sex harder; in so doing it has made it more intense.

Cristina Nehring - The Nation

Sexual Fantasies

        Although studies have shown that sexual fantasies are universal, in conservative Judeo/Christian cultures sexual fantasies are widely regarded as sinful.

It is easy to see why. Thought (and lust) proceed action, and that action if not checked can threaten relationships.

But trying to suppress thought, especially when it comes to a basic human need, is known to spawn a variety of human and social problems. The psychiatric literature is full of examples. The phrase, "suppression creates obsession" suggests one.

        The landmark book on sexual fantasies, and the book that brought women's sexual fantasies out of the closet, so to speak, was My Secret Garden, by Nancy Friday.

        The book noted above, which was written more than 30 years ago, is based on letters written by women describing their fantasies. More recent popular books in this area include Erotic Confessions by Finz & Finz, and Friday's latest best-selling book, Women on Top.

Not unexpectedly, male and female fantasies differ, with male fantasies focusing more on breasts and genitalia and "getting right to the main event" with female fantasies lingering more on seduction and foreplay.

It has long been assumed that females also seem to be affected primarily by written descriptions of sex and seduction, and males by photos and videos.

However, recent studies that have monitored internal female sexual response (rather than guarded verbal admissions) have shown that women are very much affected by eroticilms and pictures.

        Some researchers have tried to compile a "Top 10" list of fantasies.

For females this includes threesomes (with an extra male or female), bondage, having someone film their lovemaking, being a part-time call girl, dominance (where the woman is totally controlled by a trusted male partner), submission (generally, where they must submit to the sexual needs of a man or  men), watching another woman seduce and make love to their partner, being nude in front of men (being nude in a locker room full of men is popular), lesbian sex, and various rape fantasies (scary, but with limits).

As in the case of men's fantasies below, these span the range from "never in a thousand years" to "it definitely turns me on to think about."

        Men's fantasies include filming lovemaking, bondage, watching one or more men with a wife or girlfriend, wife-as-a-part-time prostitute, watching lesbian sex, watching his wife or girlfriend strip before men (as in a game of strip poker), and having a wife who appears as  very much a "lady" while being a "secret slut."

Although a few fantasies are played out in real life, the vast majority remain forever secret.


Wife Or Female Partner

With Another Man Fantasy

        In my work I have run into the "wife with another man fantasy" numerous times.

 Given how possessive men can be, I found this vexing. 

        Occasionally, this fantasy centers around a desperate bid to get the woman's sexual interest "jump started," or to initiate her into something more than "plain vanilla, wifely-duty sex."

 In one case where the wife "had totally quit sex," a husband searched for the best young lover he could find to seduce her and thus (he hoped) rekindle her interest in sex.

She reportedly learned a lot from her new lover, including things that she then started suggesting to her husband.

        The fact that "American men are (reportedly) terrible lovers" is not exactly an international secret. There are three major factors involved: men are overworked, they tend to be overweight and, most of all, they don't get enough exercise.

Sometimes men try to compensate by taking drugs like Viagra, or jump-starting things with pornography. This might temporarily work, but it's hardly a blueprint for a successful ongoing love relationship.

        While some of the women in pornography are stunningly attractive, the men immediately recognize something else. These women seem totally uninhibited about sex -- probably quite the opposite of their wives.

Of course, it's highly questionable if 99% of these men could handle a woman who was really like the ones they imagine they are seeing in the photos and videos.

So how can wives and girlfriends compete with the women in men's fantasies? For one thing they can offer to share the fantasies. If this isn't your thing, keep in mind that after about age 35, a woman's chances for finding a really decent man and starting a successful new marriage are slim indeed.

There's nothing worse after a relationship breaks up than to be thinking, "If I had only been willing to...."

        No matter what the women's libbers say, "holding onto you pride,"  whatever that means, may end up being a big price to pay when you end up spending your last decades alone.

Women need to get rid of all vestiges of "the sex-as-a-wifely-duty" feeling, extinguish their sexual inhibitions and subtly communicate to your mate that you are willing to try different things.

You say it's not fair that you have to do all the work, especially when it's the man who has lost interest in sex?

The question is would you rather fire up his interest, or wait for some other woman to do it?

In my business I've seen some over-35 woman go to some amazing lengths to get a man. They see many single men as having problems, so stealing away a good married man is no longer out of the question.

You don't like oral sex? Do you like peanut butter, jam, or Cool Whip? You don't get turned on with pornography? Few women do, but did you know that there are pornographic films for women, written, produced and directed by women?

Granted, men may find them overly romantic and slow moving, but, at the same time, some men need to see firsthand what romance and foreplay are all about. That in itself should give the two of you something to talk about.

Case Study: Judy and Porn

        Many years ago, a woman (Judy) said that she ended up being dragged to an evening of pornographic films by her boyfriend. Judy said that she was horrified, angry, and couldn't wait to get out of there.

But after a few days, she admitted that she kept thinking about what she saw, and getting turned on.

After a while, Judy started talking to her boyfriend about what they had seen. He was happy to learn that some of the things turned her on too. In one scene she remembered  a couple had sex in the woods where presumably anyone could happen by and seen them. Judy said she thought that would be exciting, especially with a (slight) risk of being seen.

        One afternoon they made love in the woods, and Judy said it was exciting to think that someone could be watching.

He made it more exciting by holding her down and teasing her by saying that even if someone came along he was going to keep her there for them to see. And then he would pretend that he heard someone coming..

They soon took to camping in the outdoors and had sex in the open numerous times. At first they were partially clothed. Later, they made love nude with their clothes nearby.

And then to add to Judy's excitement -- her boyfriend was obviously catching onto what turned her on -- he stole her clothes and put them in a tree above her head. Although she loudly protested, it excited her to think that if anyone came along, she would have to remain nude while her husband got her clothes. (Recall that  "danger" and "risk" often heightens sexual excitement.)

Her husband teased her by saying that if a man in a nearby apartment (who he knew she had a bit of a crush on) came by, he would just leave her clothes in the tree until she finally got tired of trying to cover herself up.

Although she loudly protested, thinking about it excited her. The fact that she commented on having to "lose 10 pounds or so" seemed to indicate that she was thinking about how she would look if he saw her nude.

Interracial Sex

Both men and women admit to fantasizing about interracial sex.

In particular, you may note that a large percentage of porno photos and videos involve white women and well-endowed black lovers.

This has given rise to such sayings as, "Once you've had black, you won't go back," and "You aren't a real [white] woman until you've gotten it from a black lover" and even t-shirts and ankle chains worn by white women proclaiming preference for "BBC" for big black cock.






        Although this may not be "your cup of tea," you'll have to admit, that for this couple sex wasn't dull, predictable, or routine.

Unfortunately, many couples have tacitly set narrow limits on sexual variety and discussions. One woman said that in her marriage, "Saturday night was sex night."

Another woman said, "We do it most anywhere and at any time, If he doesn't seem interested, I have ways of getting him interested."  


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